Updated: Mar 10, 2020
Sometimes you must hit rock bottom and feel absolutely miserable, out of control and vulnerable before you realize that you need help. Viewing myself as a Christian, I was absolutely unchristian like in how I treated myself. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for years. I felt I was a failure because I couldn't just pray and read scripture and snap out of it. I had moments when I felt I could literally be having an out of body experience. My irritability and emotional deficiency were overwhelming. I would feel myself REACTING to everything instead of having patience and responding. I had nothing left, nothing to give my husband, nothing for my children. I wanted to sleep and mentally check out.
Many times I have felt inept at life; I had a kind and loving husband that didn't tell me it was just in my head, he didn't tell me to snap out of it. He knew I was struggling and always offered his strength when I didn't have any. The awful truth is we live in a broken and twisted world. Mental illness is a real and awful thing. So many times, I would look fine and talk and walk but was inwardly struggling to breath.
Our bodies have an amazing creator, we really are fearfully and wonderfully made. This world, our environment will influence us with or without our permission. How we think, what we read, what we focus on feeds our brain and spirit. What we eat and wash with and touch influence our body. I was so out of balance in my spirit and body, I didn't know which was was up or down. I felt that if I meditated enough and prayed more that I could push through this unending sadness, but I couldn't. I told my husband, I NEED HELP! I told him that there MUST be something wrong with me. I remembered as a child watching my mother going through depression, mood swings and not understanding any of it. When I was 7, I remember crying because my grandparents came to get my mom and I didn't want to be left behind. At the time, I didn't realize what my mom was battling. I went with her to my grandparents' home and she slept for 3 days straight. The older I get, the more I understand that there is a balance that needs to be maintained. A balance of the mind/spirit and body. Our God created our minds and our bodies and both must be taken care of. So, I went to the doctors and completely sobbed in the exam room.
From then on, I was on a daily antidepressant. It took me a few times to find the right medication. I finally felt like I could breath. Things weren't so oppressive. I felt like that I could finally be in a position to solve problems and not see everything as an immediate emergency. Things leveled out... I felt like I could work with myself and I wasn't fighting against myself.
I was able to get clarity. Our God is so good, he has given me a godly husband, fantastic in-laws, an understanding sister and great friends. I want to be who God has made me to be, the wife, the mother and friend he made me to be. I got on medication to help with the rough waves of life, but I always felt this was not the forever solution. I was able to study scripture and bring back passion into my life. I opened up to my bible study group of my struggles, they were refreshing and reassuring to my faith. I talked about how I didn't want to be dependent on medication for the rest of my life. They talked to me about diet, supplements and their own experiences. I cut out sugar, pasta and breads from my diet. I began taking high absorption magnesium, D3 and CoQ10 supplements. I felt as if I was given high octane fuel. I didn't feel sluggish; I was able to focus.
I am still on this journey to health. I am feeling more in control of my attitudes, energy that I have ever felt in my whole life. I feel more at peace and my sense of calmness in my head and spirit is at such a point that I feel I can be more of who God made me to be. It's finally me being able to be me, without the junk or baggage. I am far from perfect, but I know what it has felt like to be at the bottom. Because I don't have the barriers between me and God and my family; God centers me, and I can now be that emotional anchor for my children and greater supporter and haven for my husband.
I want to encourage you; find the balance. Our God is the God of both mind and body. Sometimes you need extra help just to start out on the journey. You are not less of a christian when you seek out counseling or medication. I don't know all of you who are reading this, but you are not alone. You are loved, you are valued and you can make it.